God's Confidence

Self Confidence is something I severely lack. God has been teaching me how to turn this negative into a positive these past few weeks that I have been working at my new job. There have been so many times that I have wanted to run screaming for the nearest door! So many times that I have questioned myself - whether I TRULY have heard the call on my life to do this job - or if I have just stepped into something WAY over my head. Through this journey, God is showing me that I truly can't do any of this on my own - every day I must fully rely on Him to get me through it. I hope that by sharing this today - that perhaps YOU will begin to see yourself in my struggles and realize that YOU TOO can serve God in the capacity He has called you to. If I can do it - BELIEVE ME - so can you!

I have been working as a Nursing Assistant for about a month now in a long term care unit in a hospital. While I truly love being able to serve these dear deserving people in this capacity, I also realize my limitations for this job. I am not as efficient in my work as some of the aides in our unit. I am often clumsy - I know this about myself and therefore I try to tackle a job slowly so as not to cause an injury to the dear person I am caring for. I am not a mechanically inclined person either - buttons and gadgets tend to frustrate me and I can look at them every which way and they don't make sense -so if asked to fix something, or if I need to adjust a bed, wheelchair, etc. I am out of my comfort zone and end up taking forever to complete a simple task. While the other Aides are finished with their tasks for the day I am still working on mine and usually am dashing around up until the last minute trying to get everything completed.

Because of these limitations I ask myself everyday why God would want to use ME in this way - Why am I being called to do this work? What could I possible have to offer to this job?

Friday evening was an extremley hard night. I prayed as I always do before every shift, that God would help me do the best job I could for these dear people He had put in my care. I have been working in this particular unit now for a few weeks and am becoming familiar with my patients and their routines - but this particular night was a difficult night for one of my patients, because he had just lost a beloved brother unexpectedly that day. Because of this, he was extremly agitated most of the evening. He kept using his call light every few minutes - asking me to adjust his pillow, hand him his remote, raise his head...lower his head...call his wife, call his sister, hand him a cookie - you name it- he asked for it! This dear man has a disease that has severly contracted his body so that he is unable to do simple tasks for himself. He is in extreme pain and has a hard time getting in a right position that will allow his poor body to relax. On this particular night it was near impossible to help him get into a comfortable position. I raised his head as he asked me to - only to have him ask me to keep lowering it until we were back to the very position I had started at. I sat with him and talked to him about his brother and held his hand - hoping that by doing so it would allow him some time to relax his ravaged body enough so that the medicine that the nurse had just given him could take affect and help him fall asleep comfortably. As I sat with him, an aide rushed into the room and admonished me saying, "Do you realize you have been in here for more than 30 minutes? You just can't take this much time with these people or you will never get finished!"
She proceeded to whisk me out of the room and stayed with me, helping me finish my rounds. She told me that I really shouldn't be an aide -that my heart was too big for this job! She told me that I needed to learn to say no and walk out of rooms quicker or I would never be able to finish the tasks set before me. She told me people were beginning to talk and wonder if I truly had the experience doing this work that I said I did on my application!

I was devastated! I fought back the tears and the urge to run for the nearest door. I felt like a utter and complete failure! How could God use me - even the Aides around me were losing faith that I could do this work! I began to feel extremely sorry for myself.

I have been reading a book that is very convicting. It is written by Kay Warren and is called "Dangerous Surrender - What Happens When You Say Yes To God?"
As I pondered yesterday over the events of Friday night, I read these words from the book:
"God prepares a cross for you that you must embrace without thoughts of self-preservation. The cross is painful. Accept the cross and you will find peace even in the middle of turmoil. Let me warn you that if you push the cross away, your circumstances will become twice as hard to bear. In the long run, the pain of resisting the cross is harder to live with than the cross itself."

YIKES!

I also read these words:
"To want to serve God in some conditions, but not in others, is to serve Him in your own way. But to put no limits on your submission to God is truly dying to yourself. This is how to worship God. Open yourself to God without measure. Let His life flow through you like a torrent. Fear nothing on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself."

Did you get that? I will repeat it - "Let your love for HIM cast out the fear you feel for yourself." WOW! Powerful words aren't they? I stand convicted when I read this!

Now...the part of the story that I DIDN'T tell you is this - I was called to the office of the nurse supervisor for our floor. I was very nervous and just SURE that she was going to point out all of the wrong things that I had been doing. She didn't. Instead, she told me that she had been hearing wonderful things about me from the patients and from the staff. She told me that the patients loved me for my kindness and that the staff felt that I had been very helpful to them and always willing to lend a helping hand. A few nurses had told her about my professionalism and work ethic. The few who were grumbling about my work were coming from individuals who were gossipers and who happened to complain about everyone in the building! She went on to ask me if I had ever considered a permanent position on that floor! As I have said before - I work on an "as needed" basis right now - but this kind lady told me that when a position opened up - she would put in a good word for me because they "needed good workers on this floor."

Wow! It is amazing that we see ourselves so much differently than others do! The devil had tried to whisper negative words in my ear to try to turn me aside from the job the Lord had called me to do. Had I LISTENED to the words, I would have run - like I always had before.

God's work is never easy - it is not for MY glory that I do it - but for GOD'S glory! THIS I need to constantly remember! God will help me in my weakness - HE will be my strength. This is His promise to me - THIS I have to remind myself of daily!

All of the supposed "inadequacies" - that I whisper in my own ear - how many times have they kept me from doing the Lord's work! How many times have I played right into the devil's hands?
How he LOVES to use our own self worth against us! We MUST remember though - "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world."
I hope that this story will help you realize that YOU TOO can do the Lord's work - right where you are at today! Let Him use you and you will be amazed at how you will grow through the process.
God's richest blessings to you as you do the work He has called you to do,
Kymber