This post is a rough one -Motivate Me Monday has motivated me to do some inner "housecleaning" - if you want pretty - you probably should look elsewhere right now because this is going to be a "keeping it real" post in all of it's ugliness.
I have some things I need to get off my chest - some changes that need to be made in my life. I have been flying by the seat of my pants now for awhile and something needs to change. I am hesitant to call these changes New Years Resolutions - I am not sure I want to call them that because I am not good at KEEPING "resolutions."
All I know is that I MUST start these changes in my life - I cannot fail in this. Let me explain...
This move to Georgia has affected me in so many different ways. Not all for the better. Sure I have put my best foot forward and tried to be strong, but the fact of the matter is - I have had a tough time of it.
I realize now that before the move, I was pretty idealistic as to how everything would work out. When I lived in Washington I had a very fulfilling life. Obviously I had all of my children around me - but apart from that - I also had a wonderful job and a great start at fulfilling a lifelong dream of becoming a nurse. I was going to school getting my prerequisites done so that I could apply for the nursing program and also worked at a long term care facility caring for the elderly. I absolutely loved my job and the residents that I cared for. All of the staff worked together to serve as a ministry to others and it showed in all that they did in a day. I woke up every morning anxious to go to work and when I looked in the mirror each day - I knew that I was serving God the way He would want me to. It was a wonderful feeling.
I needed to make the move to Georgia - to restore my marriage to what it needed to be. My husband traveled 98% of the time and we were starting to drift apart.
I am not sure why I thought it would be an easy transition to move to a different state and start my life over. I had never had a problem finding a job doing what I do. The need for healthcare workers in Washington is so great. I thought that I would find that here as well. Due to the unemployment rate here, I am finding that not to be the case. A month of searching finally lead me to a job working at a facility that was so horrendous I won't even discuss it here. Unfortunately, I believe now that some of the people working in healthcare are not doing it from their heart, but as a means to an end. My idealistic mindset would not allow for such a different outcome than what I was used to- I got scared of what I had to deal with every day, and I ran from it. Even though I ran from the deplorable conditions of the place I was working in, I am haunted daily by the resident's I loved and left behind.
I am keeping it real today - I know that this is a different kind of a post and I hope that I don't lose any of my readers by laying my heart on the line. I need to say all of this and then we can get back to our "regularly scheduled programming". Unfortunately life can be messy - and I have stepped in it! I can no longer keep pushing it all under the rug because I am seeing the effects it is having on my life in the way of my health.
For some unknown reason, I didn't have the strength to take on all that was wrong with this new facility I was working for. This was so unlike me though. I hate myself now for it - but I fled to my comfort zone - I looked for a job as far away from what I had been doing that I could. I took up being a nanny again. I had done this for years while I was raising my young children so I fled back to my comfort zone - thinking that it would help me to cope with my new life here. BOY was I wrong!! I prayed that God would take me out of that bad work environment and help me find a family to work for. Sometimes I believe God gives us what we THINK we need, in order to show us what it is that really matters to us. I love the wonderful family I am working for, but my heart yearns to return to what I believe is my calling - to work again with the elderly.
All of this stress has taken a toll on my body. I can't sleep at night - this morning I finally got up at 3:00 am because I didn't want my tossing and turning to wake up my husband. I have had two very severe bouts of the flu since Thanksgiving. I am still getting over this last round. I have also dealt with weight gain, cold sores all over my mouth and eye infections. I told you - this isn't pretty! Truly something has to change!
I am using this Motivate me Monday to declare the changes I need to make this year. As you can see I need this to work this time.
- For too long I have eaten to comfort myself. That will now stop. I will resume my healthy way of eating so that I can drop the unwanted extra pounds that I have allowed to come creeping back.
- I need to get back to a workable fitness plan - one that will fit into my schedule and one I will stick to. I want to feel physically strong again!
- I will again search for a new job - praying to the Lord to help me find a place where HE wants me to work - and then come what may - give me the strength to endure WHATEVER comes my way.
- I will return to starting my day the right way - for too long I have grabbed my cup of coffee and headed to my computer to read up on my favorite blogsites. I have become complacent and my walk with God is not what it should be. I need to put Him in the drivers seat again. Thanks again to Sarah Mae for her 5:16 am club - and keeping me accountable!
- I need to put on the full armor of Christ so that I can resist the pitfalls that want to take me away from God's calling on my life.
- I want to continue to work on making my marriage all that God intended it to be - no matter how hard that is at times!
- I want to continue to make my house into a home that I can be proud of and that my husband can be comfortable in.
- I need to register for the classes I need to finish up my prereqs. I have to stop procrastinating with this if I want to continue on in my career - I am definitely not getting any younger - and the process is going to take enough time once I get in program - I need to sign up for the Spring quarter classes! No more excuses!
- And last but not least - I want to finish up some of the projects that I have started. What benefit is it to anyone if things are left unfinished?
All this to say - cleaning up this "house" -( my body and my mind) will eventually lead me to find peace again. I know this to be true.
What about you? Do you have any area of your life that is dirty and needs to be swept clean? Too many times I read blogs where life seems to be wonderful 24/7 and it starts to make a person wonder if they can EVER live up to what they read. I think we are all more alike in this than different. The blogs that I really enjoy reading aren't afraid to keep it real. Life isn't pretty all of the time. It gets ugly and if we can't SHARE the ugliness - how can we grow?
Okay - Off my soap box now!
NOW- back to our regularly scheduled program.
Blessings on your day today!